Does your novel’s narrative have several consecutive snippets of dialogue that reflect a non-viewpoint character’s state of mind? If so, how do you punctuate them? And is there an alternative to using speech marks?
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Parentheses
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Tell me about parentheses (round brackets) and how they work.
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Commas
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Tell me about parentheses, round brackets, and how they work.
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Spaced en dashes
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Tell me about parentheses – round brackets – and how they work.
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Closed-up em dashes
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Tell me about parentheses—round brackets—and how they work.
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‘[…] My father described the regular pom-pom-pom of the cannons and the increasingly high-pitched wails of the planes as they dived. He said he’d heard them every night since.
‘The last day of the battle he was standing on the bridge when they saw a plane emerging. […] Then he jumped overboard and was gone.’ The Bat (p. 251), Jo Nesbo, Vintage, 2013 |
Ray studied his drink and narrowed his eyes. ‘You can be cruel sometimes, you know. I don’t know where you got it from. “How sharper than a serpent’s tooth …” Your mother didn’t have a cruel bone in her body.’
Sleeping in the Ground (p. 261), Peter Robinson, Hodder & Stoughton, 2017 “I had no idea why he was bringing that up now. So when I asked him he said, ‘Remember when the going got tough, who was there for you. Remember your old man was right there holding your hand. Always think of me trying to do the right thing, honey. Always. No matter what.’” The Fix (p. 428), David Baldacci, Pan Books, 2017 |
With that taken care of, Holly went down to the hotel restaurant and ordered a light meal (she never even considered room service, which was always ridiculously expensive). She found a Mel Gibson film she hadn’t seen on the in-room movie menu, and ordered it – $9.99, which she would deduct from her report of expenses when she filed it.
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Did the FBI agent climb out of the SUV?
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Yes, he did. He (the FBI agent) is the subject.
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Was Detective Snooper the bane of her life?
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Yes, he was. He (Detective Snooper) is the subject.
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“Doesn’t the pathologist in that TV show ever change her shirt?”
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“No, she doesn’t. She (the pathologist in that TV show) is the subject.
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“The pathologist in that TV show doesn’t ever change her shirt.”
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Non-standard – new information (AVOID)
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The FBI agent fell to the ground: the gravel dug into her elbows.
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Standard – qualifying information
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The FBI agent fell onto something sharp: gravel.
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Standard – qualifying information
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The FBI agent pulled out her gun: a Glock.
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Non-standard with comma (AVOID)
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The FBI agent fell to the ground, the gravel dug into her elbows.
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Standard with semi-colon
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The FBI agent fell to the ground; the gravel dug into her elbows.
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Standard with full point
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The FBI agent fell to the ground. The gravel dug into her elbows.
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Original with semi-colon
He was bald, or mostly bald – a crop of white stubble gilded his ears – and gave off an air of pent-up energy, of emotions kept in check; the same sense Lamb had had watching the video of him, shot eighteen years ago, through a two-way mirror in one of Regent’s Park’s luxury suites. Joke. These were underground, and were where the Service’s more serious debriefings took place; those which it might later prove politic to deny had happened. |
Original with semi-colon
“You can testify that you spoke to your father that night on Sykes’s phone, and you can say why you went to Mario’s. I can’t say those things in closing arguments; I can only talk about evidence already introduced.” Amended with full point “You can testify that you spoke to your father that night on Sykes’s phone, and you can say why you went to Mario’s. I can’t say those things in closing arguments. I can only talk about evidence already introduced.” |
Author
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Standard punctuation
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Comma splice
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Ludlum, p. 355
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‘That was not progress; it was the very opposite.’
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‘That was not progress, it was the very opposite.’
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Rimington, p. 238
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‘He was flushed. Sweat spots studded the pink expanse of his forehead.’
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‘He was flushed, sweat spots studded the pink expanse of his forehead.’
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Chandler, p. 119
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‘I went past the two secretaries and down the corridor past the open door of Spink’s office. There was no sound in there, but I could smell his cigar smoke.’
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‘I went past the two secretaries and down the corridor past the open door of Spink’s office. There was no sound in there, I could smell his cigar smoke.’
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Made-up example
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'He stopped, knelt down in the mud.' [Asyndetic]
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'He stopped, he knelt down in the mud.'
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