Using adverbs in fiction writing – clunk versus clarity

Adverbs and adverbial phrases sometimes get a bit of a pummelling, and yet they needn’t intrude and shouldn’t be removed indiscriminately. An adverb is no more likely to spoil a sentence than a poorly chosen adjective or noun.
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Use them purposefully in your writing when they bring clarity, but remove them when they create clunk.

Are there rules? You won’t find any in this article, just common-sense guidance to help beginner writers make informed decisions.

The fiction writer – and the fiction editor – who takes a formulaic approach to the treatment of adverbs is heading for trouble.

A note on form
Not all adverbs end in –ly (e.g. backwards, inside) and not all words ending in –ly are adverbs (e.g. deadly is an adjective and anomaly is a noun).

That’s one good reason not to eradicate all –ly words from your writing.

To work out whether a word or phrase is behaving adverbially, focus on what it’s modifying not on how it’s spelled.

Verb and adverbs – a quick refresher
A verb is a doing word; it describes a physical or mental action or state of being.

• He swam in the sea.
• That young boy believes in fairies.
• My throat hurts.
• She considered the question and responded accordingly.
• It appeared from nowhere.
• ‘It was a joke, you fool.’

An adverb is a word that describes a verb (just as an adjective describes a noun).

• To boldly go where no one has gone before.
• Mr Bradshaw died suddenly.
• He spoke eloquently.
• ‘James, sit there.’
• She blinked rapidly.
• Roy leaned backwards into the chair.

​An adverbial phrase behaves in the same way but uses two or more words to describe the verb (or verb phrase).

• Jonas sat in silence.
• He laughed like a hyena.
• The guy’s been shot in the back.
• Maria stomps her feet in fury.
• We strolled under the light of the silvery moon.

Clunk: Telling us what we already know from dialogue
Here are four examples where the adverb (in bold) attached to the speech tag is redundant because the information in the dialogue does the same job:

• ‘Hand over the fifty thou by Thursday or I’m telling your wife,’ she said threateningly.
• ‘That’s your final warning, son,’ said Jake in a cautionary tone.
• ‘I mean, really, it’s a privilege to breathe the same air as you!’ he said gushingly.
• ‘Take it or leave it – I couldn’t care less,’ said John dismissively.

These aren’t rules but guidelines. Test it. Remove the adverb and read the sentence aloud. Is the intention still clear from the dialogue you’ve written? If so, great – you can lose the adverb. If it’s not, can you recast the dialogue? Consider the following:

1. ‘Take it or leave it,’ said John.
2. ‘Take it or leave it,’ said John dismissively.
3. ‘Take it or leave it – I couldn’t care less,’ said John.
4. ‘Take it or leave it – I couldn’t care less,’ said John dismissively.

In (1), dialogue and supporting speech tag seem a little flat. In (2), the adverb helps us to understand John’s mood. In (3), we lose the adverb but the mood intention is supplied by the additional dialogue. In (4), the adverb repeats the mood intention.

None of above four examples is grammatically incorrect, but (1) is possibly underwritten and (4) is definitely overwritten.

Context is everything though. If you’re writing a high-octane crime-thriller scene in which the pace is fast and furious, (1) might just be perfect, (2) and (3) would slow the reader down, and (4) would still be a non-starter.

Clunk: Telling us what we already know from the speech tag
Here are three examples where the adverb (in bold) is redundant because the verb (in italic) provides the same information:

1. ‘I love you,’ she whispered softly.
2. ‘Stop it at once!’ she yelled loudly.
3. ‘I don’t understand. Are you sure that’s right?’ she asked questioningly.

Beginner writers sometimes trip up with double tells in speech tags because they’re trying not to overuse ‘said’. A replacement verb is introduced but the clarifying adverb (which served to give intention to ‘said’) is left intact even though it’s no longer needed.

‘Said’ is a rather delicious speech tag because it’s almost invisible. (For an examination of tagging, read: ‘Dialogue tags and how to use them in fiction writing’.)

Readers are so used to seeing ‘said’ that they slide over it without a glance. And that means they stay immersed in the conversation on the page, which if you’re writing dialogue is exactly where you want them.

Clunk: Telling us what we already know from the verb
Here are three examples where the adverb or adverbial phrase (in bold) is redundant because the verb (in italic) provides similar information in the narrative:

1. Magne galloped quickly across the heath.
2. She inched step by step down the narrow alley.
3. He gasped breathily as Mark’s lips grazed his neck.

Slips like these can occur because the writer is still learning to trust their reader. They fear there are too few words or that the description isn’t rich enough. And sometimes writers just run away with themselves, so deeply are they immersed in the world they’ve created and what their characters are experiencing.

This is why drafting and redrafting are so important, and why a fresh set of professional eyes can give the writer courage. I hire people to check most of my own writing because I know that even when I’m writing educational non-fiction I’m so desperate to get my point across that I can sometimes end up in a right old tangle!

Self-editing is hard – professional editors know this. Don’t beat yourself up if you’re prone to double tells – you’re only human. Instead, cross-check your adverbs against your verbs to make sure you’re not repeating yourself.

Clunk: Dragging us away from immediacy
Some adverbs like suddenly, immediately and instantly can do the opposite of what's intended. Overuse can make the action less sudden, less instant. I cover this in detail in Why ‘suddenly’ can spoil your crime fiction: Advice for new writers.

In brief, these adverbs can act like taps on the shoulder that prevent the reader from moving through a story at the same pace as the character. The suddenness of the action is told to us first instead of being experienced by us.

Compare these examples. They demonstrate how removing the adverbs can leave the immediacy of events intact.

WITH:
     A damp mist had settled but he was snug enough. The parka would keep the edge off until the sun rose.
     Suddenly, the phone trilled in his pocket, jolting him.

WITHOUT:
     A damp mist had settled but he was snug enough. The parka would keep the edge off until the sun rose.
     The phone trilled in his pocket, jolting him.

WITH:
     Jimmy immediately slammed on the brake, fighting with the wheel as the car careened around the corner.

WITHOUT: 
     Jimmy slammed on the brake, fighting with the wheel as the car careened around the corner.

​Purposeful adverbs
Adverbs, used well, can show motivation, indicate mood, and enrich our imagining of a scene.

I love books that tell it straight because every word pushes me forward. David Rosenfelt is a writer who never disappoints. His Andy Carpenter series features a tenacious lawyer with a dry wit.

The author’s prose is sharp as a knife. Does he use adverbs? Absolutely, though sparingly and they’re always purpose-filled.

‘Most of that time we’ve been in my house, which I’ve selfishly insisted on because that’s where Laurie is. Kevin had no objections, because it’s comfortable and because Laurie is cooking our meals.’ ​(Play Dead, p. 119. Grand Central Publishing; Reprint edition, 2009)	MOTIVATION:  The adverb tells us about the emotional motivation behind Carpenter’s insistence (Laurie is his lover), which contrasts with Kevin’s motivation: convenience. ​ ​
‘I accept his offer of a glass of Swedish mineral water and then ask him about his business relationship with Walter Timmerman. He smiles condescendingly and then shakes his head.’ ​ (New Tricks, p. 110. Grand Central Publishing; Reissue edition, 2010)	MOOD:  ​Removing the adverb might lead us down the path of thinking that Jacoby, the smiler, is being congenial. He’s not. The scene is confrontational, though measured. ​ ​ ​
‘Milo is digging furiously in some brush and dirt. The area has gotten muddy because of the rain, but he doesn’t seem to mind.’ (Dog Tags, p. 291. Grand Central Publishing; Reprint edition, 2011) ​	SCENE ENRICHMENT:  ​The adverb enables us to imagine how manic the dog is – we can see his legs pumping, muck flying everywhere, perhaps some doggy drool swinging from the corners of his mouth. That single modifier enriches the narrative.

Summing up
Use adverbs when they help your reader understand more than they would have without them. A well-placed adverb or adverbial phrase will help you keep your prose leaner because it will nudge a reader towards imagining the action, the mood of the characters and what their intentions are.

If they’re repetitive clutter that add nothing we couldn’t have guessed, get rid of them. If the narrative or dialogue feels flat, head for a thesaurus and find alternative verbs that will bring your prose to life.

Louise Harnby is a line editor, copyeditor and proofreader who specializes in working with crime, mystery, suspense and thriller writers.

She is an Advanced Professional Member of the Chartered Institute of Editing and Proofreading (CIEP), a member of ACES, a Partner Member of The Alliance of Independent Authors (ALLi), and co-hosts The Editing Podcast.
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