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Learn how to create engaging titles for conference sessions, blog and podcast headings and email marketing subject lines.
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TABLE 1
Text |
Type of prose |
Psychic distance between narrator and reader
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‘Spoiler,’ said Reynolds. ‘I re-interviewed the surviving witnesses and they agreed that Anthony Lane opened fire at the Mary Engine and the jars on the rack. Before you ask, they were both interns and didn’t know where the items had come from.’
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Direct speech
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Wider
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The dead guy, a certain Branwell Petersen, MIT graduate and former Microsoft employee, had died, the witnesses thought, because he stepped between the shooter and the Rose Jars.
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Implied dialogue
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Closer
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‘The interns said he threw himself into the line of fire,’ said Reynolds. ‘As if his life was less important.’
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Direct speech
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Wider
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2. Summarising to avoid repetition
Sometimes the reader has already accessed information via a viewpoint character. If that character then shares the detail with another via direct speech, the reader will be subjected to repetition that encourages them to skim.
A narrative summary enables authors to imply the spoken sharing of information without actually putting the whole conversation down on paper twice.
EXAMPLE
In the excerpt in Table 2a below, the protagonist – with the help of a companion – has escaped from an unknown location after being kidnapped.
A narrative summary enables authors to imply the spoken sharing of information without actually putting the whole conversation down on paper twice.
EXAMPLE
In the excerpt in Table 2a below, the protagonist – with the help of a companion – has escaped from an unknown location after being kidnapped.
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TABLE 2a
Text |
Type of prose |
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I stopped to orientate myself and spotted a street sign – Coldharbour Lane. I’d been in bloody Brixton the whole time. […] I wanted off the street, but didn’t want to put a random homeowner in danger. Instead we ran left towards the train station.
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Narrative: Location of lair
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[…] After less than a hundred metres, Foxglove was showing signs of serious distress and I felt her stumble a couple of times, but we’d reached the shopping parade by then and fortunately the Nisa Local was still open. A nervous black girl of about fifteen who was manning the tills gave us a weary look of disgust as we rushed in. Then got all confused when I told her I was a police office and that I needed to use a phone.
[…] I retreated with Foxglove into the corner where we’d be hidden by the shelves and called Guleed. |
Narrative: Location of store
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[…] Guleed picked up, and I said, ‘We’re in the Nisa Local near Brixton Station and Chorley’s lair is on Coldharbour Lane.’
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Direct speech: Repetition of narrative x2
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Notice how the dialogue at the end of the excerpt repeats information we already know because Grant has narrated the journey of discovery and the direction he takes in the previous paragraphs. It’s repetitive and dull.
But actually, I’ve butchered it. The real excerpt from pp. 329–30 of Lies Sleeping, also by Ben Aaronovitch, looks like this:
But actually, I’ve butchered it. The real excerpt from pp. 329–30 of Lies Sleeping, also by Ben Aaronovitch, looks like this:
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TABLE 2b
Text |
Type of prose |
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I stopped to orientate myself and spotted a street sign – Coldharbour Lane. I’d been in bloody Brixton the whole time. […] I wanted off the street, but didn’t want to put a random homeowner in danger. Instead we ran left towards the train station.
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Narrative: Location of lair
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[…] After less than a hundred metres, Foxglove was showing signs of serious distress and I felt her stumble a couple of times, but we’d reached the shopping parade by then and fortunately the Nisa Local was still open. A nervous black girl of about fifteen who was manning the tills gave us a weary look of disgust as we rushed in. Then got all confused when I told her I was a police office and that I needed to use a phone.
[…] I retreated with Foxglove into the corner where we’d be hidden by the shelves and called Guleed. |
Narrative: Location of store
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Guleed picked up, and I told her where I was, and where Chorley’s lair was, and let her get on with it.
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Implied dialogue
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Take a look at the final line. Aaronovitch uses narrative, rather than direct speech, to imply what Grant has actually said to Guleed.
The repetition is gone. Instead, of laboured direct speech that tells readers what they already know, the implied dialogue is taut and pacy, and lets us move on to the next part of the scene.
Summarising information via implied dialogue doesn’t necessarily reduce the word count, but that’s fine. The goal is not to necessarily to reduce the number of words (though that may be the result) but to keep the reader interested and drive the story forward.
The repetition is gone. Instead, of laboured direct speech that tells readers what they already know, the implied dialogue is taut and pacy, and lets us move on to the next part of the scene.
Summarising information via implied dialogue doesn’t necessarily reduce the word count, but that’s fine. The goal is not to necessarily to reduce the number of words (though that may be the result) but to keep the reader interested and drive the story forward.
3. Breaking up would-be monologues
When non-viewpoint characters have information to share, direct speech is the perfect vehicle because we can learn about their experiences even though we haven’t been party to them.
However, when there’s a lot of detail, that information can turn into what feels like a monologue. The reader can end up dislocated from the environment, as if the speaker is talking in a vacuum or floating in white space. You might see this referred to as ‘talking heads syndrome’.
Implied dialogue is the antidote. It breaks up the dialogue so that while some of what was said is rendered in direct speech, chunks of it are voiced by the narrator. That is, what was actually spoken by the non-viewpoint character is implied.
EXAMPLE
In Table 3 below is a fine example from False Value again, this time on p. 287. Consider how long Reynolds’s spiel would have been if Aaronovitch hadn’t broken it up by allowing the protagonist and first-person narrator, Peter Grant, to bear some of the burden.
It’s implied that the 113 words about what happened on August 2015 were spoken by Reynolds, but it’s Grant who delivers the information to the reader on her behalf. The monologue has been avoided but we know exactly how that conversation went.
However, when there’s a lot of detail, that information can turn into what feels like a monologue. The reader can end up dislocated from the environment, as if the speaker is talking in a vacuum or floating in white space. You might see this referred to as ‘talking heads syndrome’.
Implied dialogue is the antidote. It breaks up the dialogue so that while some of what was said is rendered in direct speech, chunks of it are voiced by the narrator. That is, what was actually spoken by the non-viewpoint character is implied.
EXAMPLE
In Table 3 below is a fine example from False Value again, this time on p. 287. Consider how long Reynolds’s spiel would have been if Aaronovitch hadn’t broken it up by allowing the protagonist and first-person narrator, Peter Grant, to bear some of the burden.
It’s implied that the 113 words about what happened on August 2015 were spoken by Reynolds, but it’s Grant who delivers the information to the reader on her behalf. The monologue has been avoided but we know exactly how that conversation went.
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TABLE 3
Text |
Type of prose |
Psychic distance between narrator and reader
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I flipped the master power switch as soon as I was inside and pulled a Coke out of the fridge to serve as a coffee substitute while I waited for my PC to boot up. As soon as Skype was running, Reynolds’s call flashed up.
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Narrative
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Closer
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‘What was all that about?’ I asked when I saw her face.
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Direct speech
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Wider
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‘Skinner’s been connected to another case,’ she said.
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Direct speech
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Wider
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At 10.15 on a Monday morning in August 2015, one Anthony Lane walked into the offices of an obscure tech start-up in San Jose carrying a concealed handgun. He talked his way past the receptionist before using the threat of force to gain access to the secure area at the rear and then, once he was in, opened fire. One person was killed instantly, two others were wounded and Lane himself was shot eight times in the back by a responding police officer. The attack barely made the news, being just one of several hundred to several thousand – depending on where you set the parameters – of active shooter incidents so far that year.
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Implied dialogue
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Closer
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‘It wasn’t on my list,’ said Reynolds, ‘because the perp was dead.’
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Direct speech
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Wider
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And don’t forget the impact on reader inclusion discussed earlier. This monologue-breaker has also served to turn Grant’s narrative gaze towards us – the readers – rather than focusing solely on the person who’s talking to him via Skype.
4. Making direct speech more impactful
Using implied dialogue can also enable direct speech to shine a little more brightly, especially when there’s a punchy spoken one-liner that deserves to stand out on the page.
EXAMPLE
The excerpt in Table 4 is from p. 369 of Lies Sleeping. The author uses a combination of direct speech, implied dialogue and narrative to present a coherent telling of the what the characters are saying and doing.
In this case, the implied dialogue is how readers know about the relatively mundane conversations that have taken place between the characters, but note in particular the penultimate line in which we learn that Guleed said she’d been about to phone.
What that does is put her closing direct speech centre stage. And that’s right and proper because it’s anything but mundane. It’s a section-closer that drips with suspense and tension – compelling the reader to turn the page so they can find out more about the problem Guleed’s identified, what the implications are and how the team are going to fix it.
EXAMPLE
The excerpt in Table 4 is from p. 369 of Lies Sleeping. The author uses a combination of direct speech, implied dialogue and narrative to present a coherent telling of the what the characters are saying and doing.
In this case, the implied dialogue is how readers know about the relatively mundane conversations that have taken place between the characters, but note in particular the penultimate line in which we learn that Guleed said she’d been about to phone.
What that does is put her closing direct speech centre stage. And that’s right and proper because it’s anything but mundane. It’s a section-closer that drips with suspense and tension – compelling the reader to turn the page so they can find out more about the problem Guleed’s identified, what the implications are and how the team are going to fix it.
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TABLE 4
Text |
Type of prose |
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‘I’ve checked for booby traps and handed it over to the local boys. Alexander is sending a search party tomorrow.’
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Direct speech
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He asked after Stephanopoulos and I passed on the assurances that Dr Walid had given me. I asked if he was heading back tonight and he said he was.
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Implied dialogue
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‘Anything else to report?’ he asked.
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Direct speech
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‘A creeping sense of existential dread,’ I said. ‘Apart from that I’m good.’
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Direct speech
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‘Chin up, Peter. He’s on his last legs – I can feel it.’
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Direct speech
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Once Nightingale had rung off I called Guleed, who’d been arriving as a nasty surprise to bell foundries and metal casting companies from Dudley to Wolverhampton all day.
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Narrative
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|
She said she’d been just about to phone.
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Implied dialogue
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‘I was right,’ she said. ‘There’s another bell.’
[SECTION BREAK] |
Direct speech: Standout one-liner
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Summing up
Implied dialogue does what it says on the tin. It is narrative that implies what characters said to each other, even though it’s not presented in the present tense and (often) with quotation/speech marks surrounding it.
And while direct speech that’s rich in voice, conveys mood, and shows intent is knockout, it may be that you’re concerned about excluding your readers – or, worse, boring them. If that's the case, experiment with this tool and see what effect it has on your prose when you mix things up a little.
And while direct speech that’s rich in voice, conveys mood, and shows intent is knockout, it may be that you’re concerned about excluding your readers – or, worse, boring them. If that's the case, experiment with this tool and see what effect it has on your prose when you mix things up a little.
Related resources and cited texts
- Dialogue resource centre
- Editing Fiction at Sentence Level (book)
- False Value, Ben Aaronovitch, Gollancz, 2020
- How to Line Edit for Suspense (multimedia online course)
- Lies Sleeping, Ben Aaronovitch, Gollancz, 2018
- Narrative Distance: A Toolbox for Writers and Editors (multimedia online course)
Louise Harnby is a line editor, copyeditor and proofreader who specializes in working with crime, mystery, suspense and thriller writers.
She is an Advanced Professional Member of the Chartered Institute of Editing and Proofreading (CIEP), a member of ACES, a Partner Member of The Alliance of Independent Authors (ALLi), and co-hosts The Editing Podcast.
She is an Advanced Professional Member of the Chartered Institute of Editing and Proofreading (CIEP), a member of ACES, a Partner Member of The Alliance of Independent Authors (ALLi), and co-hosts The Editing Podcast.
- Get in touch: Louise Harnby | Fiction Editor & Proofreader
- Connect: X at @LouiseHarnby, Facebook and LinkedIn
- Learn: Books and courses
- Discover: Resources for authors and editors
Find out about the artistry of editing translated materials with Denise Cowle, Louise Harnby and Andy Hodges.
Summary of Episode 116
- Types of translated materials
- The difference between editing a translation and editing a text written in English by a multilingual author
- Stylistic editing and technical copyediting of translated materials
- Whether an editor needs to be proficient in the source language of a translated text
- General issues to watch out for when editing translated materials
- Working with translated literary/fiction texts
- Beyond Anglo-American story structures: Kishōtenketsu and conflict
Related resources
- Editing translated English (Allison Turner)
- Kishōtenketsu: Exploring the Four Act Story Structure (John; The Art of Narrative)
- The Narrative Craft (Andy Hodges, fiction editor and book coach)
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Music credit
'Vivacity’ by Kevin MacLeod
- Link: https://filmmusic.io/song/4593-vivacity
- Licence: http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/
Louise Harnby is a line editor, copyeditor and proofreader who specializes in working with crime, mystery, suspense and thriller writers.
She is an Advanced Professional Member of the Chartered Institute of Editing and Proofreading (CIEP), a member of ACES, a Partner Member of The Alliance of Independent Authors (ALLi), and co-hosts The Editing Podcast.
She is an Advanced Professional Member of the Chartered Institute of Editing and Proofreading (CIEP), a member of ACES, a Partner Member of The Alliance of Independent Authors (ALLi), and co-hosts The Editing Podcast.
- Get in touch: Louise Harnby | Fiction Editor & Proofreader
- Connect: Twitter at @LouiseHarnby, Facebook and LinkedIn
- Learn: Books and courses
- Discover: Resources for authors and editors
Find out more about worldbuilding in science fiction and fantasy with fiction editor and book coach Andy Hodges.
Summary of Episode 115
- What is worldbuilding?
- How is worldbuilding different from setting?
- Common problems with worldbuilding that writers face
- How to improve worldbuilding skills
- Portraying invented groups and cultures with sensitivity
- Resources and training on worldbuilding for editors and writers
Related resources
- Andy Hodges, The Narrative Craft
- Cultural Worldbuilding in Your SFF Novel (online course by Andy Hodges)
- Hollow World (book), Michael J Sullivan
- Editing fiction: Worldbuilding (blog post)
- Editing 'unearned writing' (The Editing Podcast, with guest Tim Storm)
- Fiction editing courses
- Fiction editing books
- Working with Indie Authors (online course by Tanya Gold)
Sign up for alerts about our publications
Want to hone your editorial business skills? Our actionable guides and workbooks will help you plan and implement a programme for business growth and development. Sign up for alerts and we'll let you know when our publications are live and how to order.
Support The Editing Podcast
Tip your hosts: Support Louise and Denise with a one-off tip of your choosing.
Join our Patreon community: Our patrons benefit from access to PDF transcripts for episodes featuring just Louise and Denise, and for some of our guest episodes.
Music credit
'Vivacity’ by Kevin MacLeod
- Link: https://filmmusic.io/song/4593-vivacity
- Licence: http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/
Louise Harnby is a line editor, copyeditor and proofreader who specializes in working with crime, mystery, suspense and thriller writers.
She is an Advanced Professional Member of the Chartered Institute of Editing and Proofreading (CIEP), a member of ACES, a Partner Member of The Alliance of Independent Authors (ALLi), and co-hosts The Editing Podcast.
She is an Advanced Professional Member of the Chartered Institute of Editing and Proofreading (CIEP), a member of ACES, a Partner Member of The Alliance of Independent Authors (ALLi), and co-hosts The Editing Podcast.
- Get in touch: Louise Harnby | Fiction Editor & Proofreader
- Connect: Twitter at @LouiseHarnby, Facebook and LinkedIn
- Learn: Books and courses
- Discover: Resources for authors and editors
Discover how editors and proofreaders can use text generative AI as a business tool that enhances marketing, increases productivity and reduces stress.
Summary of Episode 114
- Simplifying complex information
- Creating content ideas for business marketing
- Generating outlines for editorial marketers who lack writing confidence
- Keyword and keyphrase research
- Suggesting compelling calls to action for a website
Related resources
- ChatGPT, AI chatbots … and why you need to be worried about them (blog post by Lisa Cordaro Publishing Services)
- Branding for Business Growth (multimedia course)
- Editor Website Essentials (multimedia course)
- Emotional Marketing that Gets Editors Work (multimedia course)
- Marketing Toolbox for Editors (multimedia course)
- Resource library for editors, proofreaders and writers
Sign up for alerts about our publications
Want to hone your editorial business skills? Our actionable guides and workbooks will help you plan and implement a programme for business growth and development.
Sign up for alerts and we'll let you know when our publications are live and how to order.
Sign up for alerts and we'll let you know when our publications are live and how to order.
Support The Editing Podcast
Tip your hosts: Support Louise and Denise with a one-off tip of your choosing.
Join our Patreon community: Our patrons benefit from access to PDF transcripts for episodes featuring just Louise and Denise, and for some of our guest episodes.
Music credit
'Vivacity’ by Kevin MacLeod
- Link: https://filmmusic.io/song/4593-vivacity
- Licence: http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/
Louise Harnby is a line editor, copyeditor and proofreader who specializes in working with crime, mystery, suspense and thriller writers.
She is an Advanced Professional Member of the Chartered Institute of Editing and Proofreading (CIEP), a member of ACES, a Partner Member of The Alliance of Independent Authors (ALLi), and co-hosts The Editing Podcast.
She is an Advanced Professional Member of the Chartered Institute of Editing and Proofreading (CIEP), a member of ACES, a Partner Member of The Alliance of Independent Authors (ALLi), and co-hosts The Editing Podcast.
- Get in touch: Louise Harnby | Fiction Editor & Proofreader
- Connect: Twitter at @LouiseHarnby, Facebook and LinkedIn
- Learn: Books and courses
- Discover: Resources for authors and editors
Find out what proofreading markup symbols are and why they're still relevant to professional practice.
Summary of Episode 113
- What are proofreading markup symbols?
- BSI standards and other national guidelines
- Is proofreading markup language still relevant to training?
- Communicating efficiently and unambiguously
- Relevance to proofreaders-in-training who want to work with indie authors
- Markup colour: What do the differences mean?
- Other ways of marking up digital texts
Related resources
Sign up for alerts about our publications
Want to hone your editorial business skills? Our actionable guides and workbooks will help you plan and implement a programme for business growth and development. Sign up for alerts and we'll let you know when our publications are live and how to order.
Support The Editing Podcast
Tip your hosts: Support Louise and Denise with a one-off tip of your choosing.
Join our Patreon community: Our patrons benefit from access to PDF transcripts for episodes featuring just Louise and Denise, and for some of our guest episodes.
Music credit
'Vivacity’ by Kevin MacLeod
- Link: https://filmmusic.io/song/4593-vivacity
- Licence: http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/
Louise Harnby is a line editor, copyeditor and proofreader who specializes in working with crime, mystery, suspense and thriller writers.
She is an Advanced Professional Member of the Chartered Institute of Editing and Proofreading (CIEP), a member of ACES, a Partner Member of The Alliance of Independent Authors (ALLi), and co-hosts The Editing Podcast.
She is an Advanced Professional Member of the Chartered Institute of Editing and Proofreading (CIEP), a member of ACES, a Partner Member of The Alliance of Independent Authors (ALLi), and co-hosts The Editing Podcast.
- Get in touch: Louise Harnby | Fiction Editor & Proofreader
- Connect: Twitter at @LouiseHarnby, Facebook and LinkedIn
- Learn: Books and courses
- Discover: Resources for authors and editors
Louise and Denise discuss three ideas that help editors and proofreaders develop or enhance an editorial business mindset.
Summary of Episode 112
- Aim to make progress instead of achieving perfection.
- Develop a money mindset that focuses on ownership and growth.
- Decide what your goals are and stick to them.
Related resources
- Branding for Business Growth (multimedia course)
- Editor Website Essentials (multimedia course)
- Emotional Marketing that Gets Editors Work (multimedia course)
- Marketing Toolbox for Editors (multimedia course)
- Resource library for editors, proofreaders and writers
Sign up for alerts about our publications
Want to hone your editorial business skills? Our actionable guides and workbooks will help you plan and implement a programme for business growth and development.
Sign up for alerts and we'll let you know when our publications are live and how to order.
Sign up for alerts and we'll let you know when our publications are live and how to order.
Support The Editing Podcast
Tip your hosts: Support Louise and Denise with a one-off tip of your choosing.
Join our Patreon community: Our patrons benefit from access to PDF transcripts for episodes featuring just Louise and Denise, and for some of our guest episodes.
Music credit
'Vivacity’ by Kevin MacLeod
- Link: https://filmmusic.io/song/4593-vivacity
- Licence: http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/
Louise Harnby is a line editor, copyeditor and proofreader who specializes in working with crime, mystery, suspense and thriller writers.
She is an Advanced Professional Member of the Chartered Institute of Editing and Proofreading (CIEP), a member of ACES, a Partner Member of The Alliance of Independent Authors (ALLi), and co-hosts The Editing Podcast.
She is an Advanced Professional Member of the Chartered Institute of Editing and Proofreading (CIEP), a member of ACES, a Partner Member of The Alliance of Independent Authors (ALLi), and co-hosts The Editing Podcast.
- Get in touch: Louise Harnby | Fiction Editor & Proofreader
- Connect: Twitter at @LouiseHarnby, Facebook and LinkedIn
- Learn: Books and courses
- Discover: Resources for authors and editors
Does your novel’s narrative have several consecutive snippets of dialogue that reflect a non-viewpoint character’s state of mind? If so, how do you punctuate them? And is there an alternative to using speech marks?
What’s in this post?
- The difference between dialogue and narrative
- Using speech snippets as a narrative device
- Different styles of punctuation
- Using free indirect speech as an alternative
- Should the snippets be capitalized?
- Keeping the text lean and engaging
The difference between dialogue and narrative
Dialogue is the conversation between two or more characters. It’s what people say out loud and is often indicated by opening and closing quotation marks (or speech marks). Depending on your style of choice, these marks can be either singles ‘blah blah’ or doubles “blah blah”.
Narrative is the telling of the story – how an external narrator or viewpoint character reports on the events taking place in the novel.
In the example below, the dialogue between the characters is in quotation marks. The surrounding text is narrative, and through it we learn what the viewpoint character – Milo – is thinking and what he can see and hear as the journey progresses.
Narrative is the telling of the story – how an external narrator or viewpoint character reports on the events taking place in the novel.
In the example below, the dialogue between the characters is in quotation marks. The surrounding text is narrative, and through it we learn what the viewpoint character – Milo – is thinking and what he can see and hear as the journey progresses.
Milo fumed. Stuck-up establishment idiots. They didn’t have a clue. The country was going to hell in a handcart and they had the audacity to talk about ‘defence of the realm’. Jesus.
The driver turned right at the junction, taking them over the bridge and south of the river.
Milo banged on the glass partition and shouted, ‘Hey, you’ve gone the wrong way, mate. We need to go north.’
‘Don’t worry yourself, sir,’ the driver said, his voice tinny through the intercom. ‘I’ve been told exactly where to take you.’
The driver turned right at the junction, taking them over the bridge and south of the river.
Milo banged on the glass partition and shouted, ‘Hey, you’ve gone the wrong way, mate. We need to go north.’
‘Don’t worry yourself, sir,’ the driver said, his voice tinny through the intercom. ‘I’ve been told exactly where to take you.’
Note the following:
- I’ve used single quotation marks in line with British English-style convention.
- Each new speaker’s dialogue starts on a new line.
- The full stop after realm sits outside the closing quotation mark because this isn’t direct speech.
Here’s how it might look using US English style:
Milo fumed. Stuck-up establishment idiots. They didn’t have a clue. The country was going to hell in a handcart and they had the audacity to talk about “defence of the realm.” Jesus.
The driver turned right at the junction, taking them over the bridge and south of the river.
Milo banged on the glass partition and shouted, “Hey, you’ve gone the wrong way, mate. We need to go north.”
“Don’t worry yourself, sir,” the driver said, his voice tinny through the intercom. “I’ve been told exactly where to take you.”
The driver turned right at the junction, taking them over the bridge and south of the river.
Milo banged on the glass partition and shouted, “Hey, you’ve gone the wrong way, mate. We need to go north.”
“Don’t worry yourself, sir,” the driver said, his voice tinny through the intercom. “I’ve been told exactly where to take you.”
Note the following:
- I’ve used double quotation marks.
- Each new speaker’s dialogue starts on a new line.
- The full stop after realm sits inside the closing quotation mark.
Using speech snippets as a narrative device
Sometimes the narrative can include snippets of speech to inform readers about a character’s state of mind or a types of behaviours.
Although full sentences are used in the speech snippets, it’s not conventional dialogue. Rather, it’s narrating character’s recollection of utterances that give the reader a flavour of another character’s perspective.
Here’s an example punctuated using British English style. Note the following:
Although full sentences are used in the speech snippets, it’s not conventional dialogue. Rather, it’s narrating character’s recollection of utterances that give the reader a flavour of another character’s perspective.
Here’s an example punctuated using British English style. Note the following:
- I’ve used single quotation marks in line with British English-style conventions.
- Adamson’s speech snippets are not given a new line but incorporated into the narrative.
- Commas and a conjunction separate the speech snippets.
- Commas and a conjunction separate the speech snippets. These replace any full points that would have appeared if the actual conversation had been reported and rendered as dialogue.
- The commas sit outside the speech marks to indicate that this is Milo’s narrative rather than conventional dialogue.
Milo fumed. Stuck-up establishment idiots. They didn’t have a clue. Like that jerk Adamson barking on about his so-called obligations. During their previous meeting, Milo had nodded and smiled in all the right places while his boss informed him that ‘It’s all about the defence of the realm, old chap’, ‘Democracy’s lost its way, don’t you think?’, ‘Got to look after our own, you know’ and ‘Government’s best done by our lot, not civilians’.
And here’s an example punctuated using US English style, which some people might find a little trickier because of the question mark and the punctuation convention. In the three examples below:
- I’ve used double quotation marks in line with US English-style conventions.
- Adamson’s speech snippets are not given a new line but incorporated into the narrative.
- Commas and a conjunction separate the speech snippets. These replace any full points that would have appeared if the actual conversation had been reported and rendered as dialogue.
- Most of the commas still sit inside the speech marks as per US English style. The tricky bit is deciding what to do with the snippet containing a question mark.
Option 1: Allow the question mark to do the separating
Milo fumed. Stuck-up establishment idiots. They didn’t have a clue. Like that jerk Adamson barking on about his so-called obligations. During their previous meeting, Milo had nodded and smiled in all the right places while his boss informed him that “It’s all about the defence of the realm, old chap,” “Democracy’s lost its way, don’t you think?” “Got to look after our own, you know,” and “Government’s best done by our lot, not civilians.”
Option 2: Recast so that the snippet with a question mark is at the end of the sentence
Milo fumed. Stuck-up establishment idiots. They didn’t have a clue. Like that jerk Adamson barking on about his so-called obligations. During their previous meeting, Milo had nodded and smiled in all the right places while his boss informed him that “It’s all about the defence of the realm, old chap,” “Got to look after our own, you know,” “Government’s best done by our lot, not civilians,” and “Democracy’s lost its way, don’t you think?”
Option 3: Add a separating comma after the closing quotation mark to emphasize the separation
Milo fumed. Stuck-up establishment idiots. They didn’t have a clue. Like that jerk Adamson barking on about his so-called obligations. During their previous meeting, Milo had nodded and smiled in all the right places while his boss informed him that “It’s all about the defence of the realm, old chap,” “Democracy’s lost its way, don’t you think?”, “Got to look after our own, you know,” and “Government’s best done by our lot, not civilians.”
Milo fumed. Stuck-up establishment idiots. They didn’t have a clue. Like that jerk Adamson barking on about his so-called obligations. During their previous meeting, Milo had nodded and smiled in all the right places while his boss informed him that “It’s all about the defence of the realm, old chap,” “Democracy’s lost its way, don’t you think?” “Got to look after our own, you know,” and “Government’s best done by our lot, not civilians.”
Option 2: Recast so that the snippet with a question mark is at the end of the sentence
Milo fumed. Stuck-up establishment idiots. They didn’t have a clue. Like that jerk Adamson barking on about his so-called obligations. During their previous meeting, Milo had nodded and smiled in all the right places while his boss informed him that “It’s all about the defence of the realm, old chap,” “Got to look after our own, you know,” “Government’s best done by our lot, not civilians,” and “Democracy’s lost its way, don’t you think?”
Option 3: Add a separating comma after the closing quotation mark to emphasize the separation
Milo fumed. Stuck-up establishment idiots. They didn’t have a clue. Like that jerk Adamson barking on about his so-called obligations. During their previous meeting, Milo had nodded and smiled in all the right places while his boss informed him that “It’s all about the defence of the realm, old chap,” “Democracy’s lost its way, don’t you think?”, “Got to look after our own, you know,” and “Government’s best done by our lot, not civilians.”
If you’re an editor who doesn’t have the scope to suggest a recast, I think Option 1 is fine. The question mark acts in place of a separating comma and avoids cluttering punctuation.
Option 3 indicates a clear separation but it’s a break from US-English style and clutters the paragraph with a comma that isn’t strictly needed.
Using free indirect speech as an alternative
Free indirect speech (also called free indirect discourse) is an alternative that could work for writers worried about getting tangled up in how to punctuate snippets of direct speech in narrative.
Free indirect speech reads like direct first person dialogue but retains a third-person viewpoint. Here’s how it might work in our example.
Free indirect speech reads like direct first person dialogue but retains a third-person viewpoint. Here’s how it might work in our example.
Milo fumed. Stuck-up establishment idiots. They didn’t have a clue. Like that jerk Adamson barking on about his so-called obligations. During their previous meeting, Milo had nodded and smiled in all the right places while his boss informed him that it was all about the defence of the realm, old chap, democracy had lost its way, we had to look after our own, and government was best done by our lot, not civilians.
Note how I’ve experimented with just a little italic for emphasis – old chap and our lot.
That’s so that although Milo is reporting the kinds of things he heard his boss say, the reader pays attention to the some of the tone of his boss’s voice and some of the language that Milo finds particularly grating.
Keeping the text lean and engaging
It’s worth paying attention to how many dialogue snippets you’re using. If they’re in a single sentence of the narrative, there’s a risk the prose won’t flow well and the reader will get lost. In the example I provided above, there were four, and that’s probably about the limit.
So what should you do if you’re passing an editorial eye over a sentence with lots of snippets?
Option 1: Can you create the same impact with fewer snippets?
Check whether all those snippets need to be there. Are some of them conveying similar information? If that’s the case, could you retain only those necessary to convey the essence of the character’s thought processes to the reader?
The example below has eight snippets.
So what should you do if you’re passing an editorial eye over a sentence with lots of snippets?
Option 1: Can you create the same impact with fewer snippets?
Check whether all those snippets need to be there. Are some of them conveying similar information? If that’s the case, could you retain only those necessary to convey the essence of the character’s thought processes to the reader?
The example below has eight snippets.
During their previous meeting, Milo had nodded and smiled in all the right places while his boss informed him that ‘It’s all about the defence of the realm, old chap’, ‘The old-boy network has to be protected’, ‘Democracy’s lost its way, don’t you think?’, ‘Got to look after our own, you know’, ‘The old ways are the best ways’, ‘We know who our friends are’, ‘A little corruption keeps the wet blankets in check’, and ‘Government’s best done by our lot, not civilians’.
Yes, Adamson might have uttered all of those statements, but capturing the essence of his mindset can be still achieved my omitting at least three of them.
I recommend you pick the utterances that are most powerful. That way, you'll ensure your reader remains engaged.
Option 2: Create two sentences from one
If editing out some dialogue snippets isn’t an option, try breaking the sentence into two.
During their previous meeting, Milo had nodded and smiled in all the right places while his boss informed him that ‘It’s all about the defence of the realm, old chap’, ‘The old-boy network has to be protected’, ‘Democracy’s lost its way, don’t you think?’, ‘Got to look after our own, you know’, ‘The old ways are the best ways’ … that sort of thing. The bullshit had continued – more of the same on the lines of how ‘We know who our friends are’, ‘A little corruption keeps the wet blankets in check’, and ‘Government’s best done by our lot, not civilians’.
Option 3: Mix up dialogue snippets and free indirect speech
Another option is to combine two different literary tools – direct speech snippets and free indirect speech. Here’s how it might work.
During their previous meeting, Milo had nodded and smiled in all the right places while his boss informed him that ‘It’s all about the defence of the realm, old chap’, ‘The old-boy network has to be protected’, ‘Democracy’s lost its way, don’t you think?’, ‘Got to look after our own, you know’, ‘The old ways are the best ways’ … that sort of thing. The bullshit had continued – more of the same about how they knew who their friends were, how a little corruption kept the wet blankets in check (Adamson had winked at that one), and how government was best done by our lot, not civilians.
Again, I experimented with just a little italic to draw attention to Adamson's tone and its grating effect on Milo, and added an action beat in parentheses to highlight Adamson's readiness to break the law.
This option ensures the use of direct speech isn’t overworked, and instead gives the reader a different way to access the information in the narrative about how Adamson’s mind works.
Should the snippets be capitalized?
Whether or not you should capitalize the snippets is a style choice. I've chosen to capitalize them in the examples I provided because I wanted to indicate that this is how these full sentences would have been rendered if we'd been shown the actual conversation as it happened.
If I was dealing with partial dialogue, I'd approach the text as in the next example.
If I was dealing with partial dialogue, I'd approach the text as in the next example.
Milo fumed. Stuck-up establishment idiots. They didn’t have a clue. Like that jerk Adamson barking on about his so-called obligations. During their previous meeting, Milo had nodded and smiled in all the right places while his boss informed him that it was ‘all about the defence of the realm, old chap’, how democracy had ‘lost its way, don’t you think?’, that they had to ‘look after our own, you know’ and government was best done by 'our lot, not civilians’.
Summing up
Using snippets of direct dialogue as a narrative tool can be a superb way of conveying a non-viewpoint character’s mindset and behaviour.
However, writers and their editors need to ensure that readers won’t be tempted to skim. For that reason, pay attention to:
However, writers and their editors need to ensure that readers won’t be tempted to skim. For that reason, pay attention to:
- consistent punctuation that supports readability, clarity and style
- brevity that captures the essence of the character’s perspective
- whether different tools could be combined to make the prose more interesting.
Related resources
- Book: Editing Fiction at Sentence Level
- Book bundle: Transform Your Fiction series
- Courses: The Fiction Line Editing Bundle
- Course: How to Line Edit for Suspense
- Course: How to Write the Perfect Fiction Editorial Report
- Course: Narrative Distance: A Toolbox for Writers and Editors
- Free resources: Dialogue
- Free resources: Line craft
Louise Harnby is a line editor, copyeditor and proofreader who specializes in working with crime, mystery, suspense and thriller writers.
She is an Advanced Professional Member of the Chartered Institute of Editing and Proofreading (CIEP), a member of ACES, a Partner Member of The Alliance of Independent Authors (ALLi), and co-hosts The Editing Podcast.
She is an Advanced Professional Member of the Chartered Institute of Editing and Proofreading (CIEP), a member of ACES, a Partner Member of The Alliance of Independent Authors (ALLi), and co-hosts The Editing Podcast.
- Get in touch: Louise Harnby | Fiction Editor & Proofreader
- Connect: Twitter at @LouiseHarnby, Facebook and LinkedIn
- Learn: Books and courses
- Discover: Resources for authors and editors
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