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The Editing Blog: for Editors, Proofreaders and Writers

FOR EDITORS, PROOFREADERS AND WRITERS

What is head-hopping, and is it spoiling your fiction writing?

24/2/2020

22 Comments

 
Are your readers bouncing from one character’s head to another in the same scene? You might be head-hopping. This article shows you how to spot it in your fiction writing, understand its impact, and fix it.
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Holding viewpoint when writing in third-person limited
Take a look at this excerpt from In a House of Lies by Ian Rankin (p. 16, Orion Books, 2018). It’s a solid example of third-person limited viewpoint.
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     Rebus pushed open the wrought-iron gate. No sound from its hinges, the garden to either side of the flagstone path well tended. Two bins – one landfill, one garden waste – had already been placed on the pavement outside. None of the neighbours had got round to it yet. Rebus rang the doorbell and waited. The door was eventually opened by a man the same age as him, though he looked half a decade younger. Bill Rawlston had kept himself trim since retirement, and the eyes behind the half-moon spectacles retained their keen intelligence.
     ‘John Rebus,’ he said, a sombre look on his face as he studied Rebus from top to toe.
     ‘Have you heard?’
     Rawlston’s mouth twitched. ‘Of course I have. But nobody’s saying it’s him yet.’
     ‘Only a matter of time.’
     ‘Aye, I suppose so.’ Rawlston gave a sigh and stepped back into the hall. ‘You better come in then. Tea or something that bit stronger?’
     […]
     ‘Sugar?’ Rawlston asked. ‘I can’t remember.’
     ‘Just milk, thanks.’ Not that Rebus was planning on drinking the tea; he was awash with the stuff after his trip to Leith. But the making of the drinks had given him time to size up Bill Rawlston. And Rawlston, too, he knew, would have been using the time to do some thinking.

Anaylsis: Tight third-person limited narration
Rebus is the viewpoint character. That means the internal experiences we access are limited to his. For example:

  • We see through his eyes: the well-tended garden, the bins, Rawlston’s half-moon specs and intelligent eyes.
  • We hear through his ears: the silent hinges on the garden gate.
  • We think what he thinks: sizing up Rawlston as he makes tea.

We cannot get in Rawlston’s head. All we can do is consider his internal experiences via his observable and audible behaviour, and his dialogue. For example:

  • His mood is gloomy – shown by the dialogue ‘Tea or something that bit stronger?’ and what Rebus can see: the sombre expression.
  • He’s riled by Rebus’s question – shown by the dialogue ‘Of course I have’ and Rebus’s observation of the twitching mouth.
  • He begrudges letting Rebus in – shown by the dialogue ‘You better come in then’ and what Rebus hears: the sigh.
​
What head-hopping would look like
Here’s what that excerpt might look like if there was head-hopping going on:
     Rebus pushed open the wrought-iron gate. No sound from its hinges, the garden to either side of the flagstone path well tended. Two bins – one landfill, one garden waste – had already been placed on the pavement outside. None of the neighbours had got round to it yet. Rebus rang the doorbell and waited.
     Bill Rawlston walked down the hall and peered through the peephole. Rebus. Same age as him, though he looked half a decade older. He opened the door.
     Rawlston had kept himself trim since retirement, and the eyes behind the half-moon spectacles retained their keen intelligence.
     ‘John Rebus,’ he said, a knot forming in his stomach as he studied Rebus from top to toe.
     ‘Have you heard?’
     The question riled him. Was Rebus stupid? ‘Of course I have. But nobody’s saying it’s him yet.’
     ‘Only a matter of time.’
     ‘Aye, I suppose so.’ Rawlston begrudged letting Rebus in but stepped back into the hall. ‘You better come in then. Tea or something that bit stronger?’
     […]
     ‘Sugar?’ Rawlston asked. ‘I can’t remember.’
     ‘Just milk, thanks.’ Not that Rebus was planning on drinking the tea; he was awash with the stuff after his trip to Leith. But the making of the drinks had given him time to size up Bill Rawlston.
     Rawlston had used the time to do some thinking, too. Rebus turning up here after all those years – it pissed him off.

Analysis: Confused narration
Notice how we bounce between the heads of Rebus and Rawlston. Now we have access to the internal experiences of both.
​
  • We’re in Rebus’s head as he pushes open the gates and reports on the silent hinges, the well-tended garden and the bins. Then we’re in Rawlston’s as he walks down the hall, identifies Rebus and reports on his appearance.
  • We bounce back to Rebus’s head as he observes Rawlston’s trim figure and intelligent eyes.
  • Rawlston speaks, and the action beat throws us back into his internal experience – the knot of anxiety in his stomach. The dialogue continues and we remain in Rawlston’s head, learning of his annoyance with Rebus’s question.
  • Rebus asks for milk and we bounce back to his head – discovering that he has no intention of drinking the tea but has used the time to size up Rawlston.
  • Finally, we hop over to Rawlston one more time, where we learn that he’s sized up Rebus too and is angry.

In that butchered version, the reader is forced to play a game of ping-pong on the page.

​Why head-hopping spoils fiction
Here are 4 reasons to hold viewpoint rather than head-hopping:
1. Head-hopping renders a story less immersive
In Rankin’s original prose, we are limited to the world of the novel as Rebus experiences it. That’s powerful because every word on the page is a step we take with Rebus, as Rebus. I get to be a male, Scottish detective for a few hours rather than a female, English book editor!

In my butchered version, I take that first step with Rebus but then trip and fall into Rawlston. Because I’m bouncing between those characters’ internal experiences, I don’t have time to invest in either. And so I stay as lil’ ol’ me.

​I do like being me, but when I buy one of Rankin’s books I want to immerse myself in its world for a few hours at a time and dig deep under the skin of the viewpoint character. I can be me without paying fifteen quid for the privilege!
2. Head-hopping diminishes suspense
In the original text, Rankin keeps the suspense tight by allowing us to access only Rebus’s senses. Rawlston’s sombre expression, twitching mouth and curt responses make Rebus (and us) think, Does he want me here? Does he begrudge my presence? What’s going on in his head?

Those questions demand answers and we seek them in the clues offered by the limited narrative. Because the limited viewpoint requires Rebus and the reader to make assumptions based on what’s observable and audible, there’s uncertainty. That’s what provides the suspense, and it compels us to keep reading in the hope that the truth will be unveiled.
​
In my head-hopping version, the prose is flat. There are no questions. We know what everyone’s thinking because we’re in everyone’s head. Readers aren’t called upon to use their imagination – both characters’ internal experiences are spoon-fed to us.
3. Head-hopping is less authentic
Head-hopping reminds readers that they are in a story written by an author. We don’t get to suspend belief because the writing won’t allow us to immerse ourselves that deeply.

In Rankin’s original prose, we walk through the world as if we are Rebus, and Rebus alone. That’s what happens in real life. I know only what I’m thinking, feeling, seeing and hearing. I can’t be sure than another’s perception is the same. Audio-visual signals help me make reasonable assumptions but I’m only ever in my own head … or Rebus’s if I’m reading a story about him because Rankin knows how to hold viewpoint.
​
In my mangled version of the excerpt, there’s a reality flop. Now I’m everyone, which is ridiculous of course. Authenticity has fallen off a cliff.
4. Head-hopping can be confusing
When a writer head-hops, the reader has to keep track of whose thoughts and emotions are being experienced. When a reader doesn’t know where they are in a novel for even a few seconds, that’s a literary misfire.

This is what happens in the head-hopping excerpt. For example, Rawlston walks down the hall and identifies Rebus through the peephole. We’re right with him, in his head. But what follows is jarring. That he reports on his spectacles sitting in front of keenly intelligent eyes is oddly self-aware.

Of course, it’s not Rawlston’s perception; it’s Rebus’s. And once we realize that, the prose makes sense. But working that out is not where Rankin wants the reader’s attention. He’s telling us a story and he wants us to read it. That’s why he holds a tight limited viewpoint throughout.

Head-hop check
Make a list of the characters in a chapter or scene. Identify the viewpoint character.

There can be more than one viewpoint character in a book but most commercial fiction authors separate them by chapters or sections.

​Here’s a quick way to check whether you’re holding viewpoint.

Viewpoint characters: What the reader can access
  • Emotional responses
  • Thoughts
  • What they can see
  • What they can smell
  • What they can hear
  • What they can touch
  • What they can taste

​Non-viewpoint characters: What the reader can access
  • Observable behaviour: their movements, expressions and gestures
  • Audible behaviour: their speech, breathing noises (panting, rasping, retching, etc.) and vocal gestures and tics (sighs, gasps, grunts, etc.)

Some examples to show you the way
  1. The narrative can tell readers that the milk tasted sour on the viewpoint character’s tongue. A likely response to that sourness must be shown for a non-viewpoint character. E.g. they retch and spit out the milk, or report the sourness via dialogue.
  2. The narrative can tell readers that the viewpoint character has a bellyache or feels a roiling in their stomach. A likely response to the pain must be shown for a non-viewpoint character. E.g. they groan or hold their abdomen, or report the pain via dialogue.
  3. The narrative can tell readers that the viewpoint character feels excited. A non-viewpoint character’s excitement must be shown. E.g. their neck and cheeks flush.
  4. The narrative can tell readers that a viewpoint character doesn’t believe in the tooth fairy. A non-viewpoint character’s disbelief must be shown. E.g. they scoff, laugh, sneer, or report their scepticism via dialogue.
  5. The narrative can tell readers that a viewpoint character thinks they’re going to be sick or feels nauseous. The non-viewpoint character’s symptoms of nausea must be shown. E.g. their skin changes colour, they grab a bowl, they bend over the toilet, or report the nausea via dialogue.
 
Summing up
​
Even if your readers don’t know what head-hopping is, by removing it from your novel you’ll give them a more immersive, suspenseful and authentic journey through the world you’ve built.

Plus, you’ll ensure they’re reading your story, not trying to work out who’s telling it.
Louise Harnby is a line editor, copyeditor and proofreader who specializes in working with independent authors of commercial fiction, particularly crime, thriller and mystery writers.

She is an Advanced Professional Member of the Chartered Institute of Editing and Proofreading (CIEP), a member of ACES, a Partner Member of The Alliance of Independent Authors (ALLi), and co-hosts The Editing Podcast.

Visit her business website at Louise Harnby | Fiction Editor & Proofreader, say hello on Twitter at @LouiseHarnby, connect via Facebook and LinkedIn, and check out her books and courses.
22 Comments
Felicia Denise link
24/2/2020 05:48:35 pm

You wrote this for me, didn't you? Someone told you about me didn't they? LOLOL!

I struggle with head-hopping, but am working on it/at it. Will add this post to the "Louise said..." file. Thanks!

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Louise Harnby
24/2/2020 06:02:57 pm

Ha! You always make me smile, Felicia! Glad you found it helpful. If there are other aspects of fiction writing you're struggling with at sentence level, let me know and I'll address them. I'm not a structural editor so not best placed to dole out advice on the bigger picture stuff but always happy to write blogs about line craft!

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E R Brown link
25/2/2020 04:22:38 am

While I agree with your points, there's always an exception to any rule. I'll point to Elmore Leonard, who manages to hop from character to character within a scene without the reader even noticing. It's quite a trick but he pulls it off, giving the reader insight into different POVs that build tension. (And it's hard to say that his writing isn't immersive and suspenseful.) But - like many techniques - this one's best left to the masters.

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Louise Harnby
25/2/2020 10:34:01 am

Absolutely agree about Elmore Leonard, though he isn’t writing in the third-person limited narration style that a lot of beginner novelists will use (and that Rankin uses in the example I gave). Leonard’s narrator is omniscient, though it’s not as strong or obvious as Neil Gaiman’s or Charles Dickens’s. It’s there though, in the same way that Cormac McCarthy’s is.

Leonard is a smashing example of an author who uses free indirect style masterfully. I love the way he closes the narrative distance that he’s created with an omniscient narrator, and brings in that immersion you so rightly identified. So, yes, we do get to access other characters’ viewpoints but he tends to keep the FIS for his focus character.

Gaiman does the same. He writes in omniscient but there’s usually one focus (rather than viewpoint) character whose head we spend most time with in a scene. And in McCarthy’s The Road, the man is the focus character, even if the omniscient narration allowed us to access internal information only the boy could know.

Like you, I think pulling off omniscient well requires a levelling up of writing craft, and it’s rare that a beginner writers (my target audience for these posts) can master it in the way that Leonard, Dickens, McCarthy or Gaiman can.

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Anita Dawes link
10/3/2020 09:48:02 am

Thank you for taking the time to thoroughly explain the pitfalls of head hopping, Louise...

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Louise Harnby
10/3/2020 06:23:23 pm

Cheers, Anita! Glad you found it useful!

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Lindsey Russel
12/3/2020 11:40:31 pm

I so want to ask a question here but but my dyslexic brain is struggling how to word it when I was accused by a friend of head hopping when all I'd done was describe one characters ACTIONS who wasn't the POV character.

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Louise hArnby
13/3/2020 12:06:36 am

So showing a character’s physical actions (speech, movement .. stuff they do that’s audible and observable) is not headhopping. But actions that indicate internal experience would be. This sometimes happens with intention tells: e.g.she scowled in disgust. He moved to the left to make way for the officer. Those initial verbs are fine but the qualifying phrases are POV drops because they indicate internal motivations that we don’t have access to. Recasts might be: she scowled (leaving the reader to assume the disgust. Or the second example: he moved to the left and the officer pushed in front of him. Is it possible you were qualifying your non-POV characters’ actions with motivation or intention? Just an idea, if you want to email me with an example privately I can advise.

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Lindsey Russell
13/3/2020 12:42:48 am

Thank you, Louise. I'm off to bed now - will sort something in the morning :)

Paul Sopko
29/9/2020 10:30:26 am

Hi Louise, Thank you very much for your expert advice. Yes I have done some 'head hopping' and now I can see how much better my novel will be in ways of keeping attention of the reader and helping the reader be more absorbed through out. I look forward to reading more of your tips. Thanks. Paul Sopko.

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Louise Harnby
29/9/2020 02:34:34 pm

Thank you, Paul! Glad you found it useful!

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Michelle Rosier
11/10/2020 02:03:39 pm

I am torn here. I am writing a historical romance and find head hopping a great vehicle to the emotions of the hero and heroine within scenes where they are working through their feelings. Can you pick this passage apart for me please? Maybe it isn't head hopping? I am confused as well as torn here :-)

It was wet, she thought. She studied the glistening tip of her finger seriously, his eyes mere inches from hers. Why, she did not know, but she put it in her mouth, sucking the salty drop from her finger. Her eyelids drifted closed as if she had just tasted a new delicacy.
Oh, this had to stop, he thought. He could not endure another minute of this agony. He simply could not. His vision was black at the edges. He only saw the siren he now had pinned to the bed.

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Louise Harnby
11/10/2020 03:22:45 pm

It is head-hopping but it's your book, Michelle! If you want to write that way, and your readers enjoy it, you don't have to follow my guidance!

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Anna Celotto link
27/1/2021 08:06:51 pm

One of the best explanations EVER!!! I'm a new writer, writing my first novel, and I'm all over with POV. I just can't wrap my mind around it and I've read tons of articles. By far this post was the most helpful with clear explanations and examples..I'm new to your site but can already tell you are a great teacher!

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Louise Harnby
30/1/2021 12:54:15 am

Thank you, Anna! That's wonderful to hear. There's a whole section dedicated to viewpoint on my Author Resources page if that's of interest: https://www.louiseharnbyproofreader.com/author-resources.html

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Dallas Robertson
2/2/2021 06:45:17 pm

Hi Louise, completely agree this is the most clearly written article I’ve read on head hopping.
In my novel, the character is unconscious on two occasions. One entire chapter is from another major character’s viewpoint as he discovers the protagonist and brings him back to life. The other example is one single page, where the protagonist is sick but discovered by two kids on a farm. I describe the lead up to finding him, before the POV moves back to the antagonist. These are the only two examples of head hopping in my book. Would this be acceptable to a publisher, or would they scream HEAD HOPPING?
Also, does it change my overall POV from Third Person Limited to Omniscient if it features only these two scenes?

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Louise Harnby
3/2/2021 12:02:28 pm

Hi, Dallas.

Dedicating a distinct section or chapter to another viewpoint character is not head-hopping in the way I'm using the term. My kind of head-hopping is a problem for all the reasons I outline in the post.

Omniscient has a very different feel to it than head-hopping. The omniscient voice is distinct, as if it belongs to another character altogether, though one we never see, and who never acts even though they are able to report.

And so while it's difficult to comment on your book because it's not in front of me, the first instance sounds like it's a distinct switch to another third-person limited POV because it has its own chapter. That's not a problem in itself, though it could possibly sit awkwardly if it's the only time that major character get to tell the story.

In the second instance, again I'm working blind here, but as long as you create a section break for the scene you should be okay.

An alternative is not to break viewpoint but hold it with your protagonist. If he's sick, and he recovers, perhaps there's a conversation later between him and the children or their parents, or some other party about how he was discovered. Or perhaps later he reflects back on his recovery, his brush with death (if there was one) and the conversation he'd had with whoever, and therefore reports his discovery to us himself.

In either of those two scenarios, the unveiling is coming later but that serves to increase suspense and deepen our connection with him as we journey with him through ignorance, to confusion to understanding about what happened when he was sick and how he was saved.

I might try to reconfigure that answer into a blog post! Great question that got me thinking about possible solutions. Cheers, Dallas!

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Louise Harnby
3/2/2021 05:50:25 pm

Should have that post ready by next week. I'll include some examples so you can see what I mean!

Dallas Robertson
3/2/2021 06:02:43 pm

Thanks, Louise, very helpful and articulate, as usual. It seems aiming for a consistent POV is best practise, but beyond that exactly how it’s used is very subjective.
Because the climax of my book has a major secondary character saving the life of the unconscious protagonist in graphic detail, it seems impossible to avoid narrating the scene any other way than 3rd Person Multiple POV - the one and only time In the novel we see over this particular character’s shoulder. This goes somewhat against your advice, though, which makes me doubt myself before I doubt you.

Louise Harnby
3/2/2021 08:12:21 pm

I think you've misunderstood me. If your protagonist is unconscious, he's not the POV character. He can't be. He's not aware of anything so we can't see the world through his eyes any more than he can. He's out for the count.

The other guy - the saviour - is now the POV character. We see the world through his eyes instead. We hear what he hears, see what he sees, feel what he feels, know what he thinks. That's fine.

It's only head-hopping if your protagonist wakes up and thinks, Ouch my head hurts and, oh look, there's my friend saving me. How kind. And then in the next line your saviour thinks, Oh good, he's awake. He's going to make it. What a relief.

That's bouncing between two people's heads - head-hopping.

You can have multiple viewpoint characters in a novel. The novel's protagonist needn't always be the POV character. All a POV character is is the character whose head we're in. The important thing is to separate them and give sure we live their experience with them in distinct chapters or sections.

I think I need to write a blog post about how protagonists and viewpoint character's aren't the same thing.

Here's a quick example.

Linwood Barclay's Parting Shot.

The protagonist is Cal Weaver. He's the viewpoint character in a good chunk of the chapters. But there are also chapters dedicated to the viewpoints of Barry Duckworth, a cop, and Brian Gaffney, a kid who's been charged with murder as a result of drunk driving. In each of those chapters, we enter the heads of one of those characters, but never all three. Either we're in Cal's head, and see what he sees and know what he thinks, or we get to be Barry or Brian. Sections and chapters keep the narrations separate. They can all be in the same scenes but we can only be in one head. If we're bouncing between all three so that we know what everyone's thinking and feeling, it would be head-hopping. But the author doesn't make that mistake. He holds viewpoint. But, still, Cal is the protagonist. Always.

Does that make sense? I think that's where you're coming unstuck. You're thinking protagonist = POV character. It can, of course, but it needn't. Not all the time.

And just to be clear, a viewpoint character has to be conscious for them to be the viewpoint character. Otherwise they're just an unconscious character. That's why I offered suggestions about how to enable to relay information they weren't party to.

Paul Adams
29/3/2021 07:24:41 pm

I am still confused. You can always have the POV person "imagine" or "sense" what is in the other person's mind. We do it all the time in life. As the POV person you can't express/state what is in the non-POV person's mind, but like real life you can guess if you are mere acquaintances or be near-certain if intimate. It is an approximation but it retains the POV and yet conveys necessary non-POV mental state that the reader is certainly interested in. It is immersive. And never confusing. Only I am.

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Louise Harnby
30/3/2021 10:01:13 am

Yes, in real life you can guess what's on another's mind. And you do that by picking up the audible and visual clues. That's why I recommend novelists do the same: show the reader those clues so that they can do the guessing.

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