Louise Harnby | Crime Fiction and Thriller Editor
  • Home
  • Resource library
  • Services
  • Courses
  • Books
  • Podcast
  • Blog
  • Training login
  • Contact
The Editing Blog: for Editors, Proofreaders and Writers

FOR EDITORS, PROOFREADERS AND WRITERS

Dealing with ‘seemed’ and other tentative language in fiction

7/10/2019

9 Comments

 
If your characters seem or appear to be doing or feeling something – probably, maybe, perhaps – then you might be using half measures to express a good chunk of that action or emotion. Uncertainty can drag a story down. Here’s how to edit for it at line level.
Dealing with tentative language in fiction
Picture
In fiction, tentative language can lead to the following:

  • Flatness: Tension and dynamism are reduced
  • Woolliness: The narrative voice can’t make its mind up
  • Distance: The reader is pulled away from the story

Authors sometimes introduce tentative language into a novel because:
​
  • They’re afraid of dropping viewpoint
  • Their narrative voice lacks confidence
  • They think it’s appropriate

Tentative language: words to watch out for
I’m not suggesting you remove every tentative word; some might be deliberate and necessary. More likely, you’ll be checking that your prose isn’t rife with them.
​
Still, these little blighters can slip in accidentally and it’s worth taking the time to root them out and decide whether to give them space on your page or remove them.

Here are some of the words (or word groups) to watch out for:
  • as if to
  • almost as if
  • appeared to
  • considered
  • could
  • hoped
  • looked as if/looked like
  • maybe
  • might
  • perhaps
  • presumably
  • probably
  • seemed
  • thought
  • wondered

When there’s a problem, it can sometimes be fixed with a simple deletion, or a stronger verb.

When viewpoint, tension and reader immersion are at stake, more intervention might be required.

How to fix it without dropping viewpoint
I see the likes of seemed, appeared, and looked as if creeping frequently into line editing projects for less experienced authors because they want to hold viewpoint.

Hats off to them – I’ll take a seemed over a head-hop any day of the week! Still, there might be a better fix.

Here’s a framework you can use to recast in a way that removes the uncertainty but keeps the narrative alive.
Fixing framework that holds viewpoint
  • Identify the observed character’s emotion or behaviour (e.g. frustration).
  • Imagine the environment around that character.
  • How does the emotion/behaviour manifest in the character’s movements?
  • Does this impact on the surrounding environment?
  • Does it affect the viewpoint character?
In the examples below, I’ve used this framework to craft a shown narrative rather than an assumed one. The original text is based on real examples that have been adapted to respect confidentiality.
EXAMPLE 1
Luke peeked around the headstone. The hooded man seemed frustrated.
Luke can’t know for sure how the other character is feeling, and the author covers this with seemed. That’s all well and good; removing it would flip the reader from Luke’s internal experience to the hooded man’s.

The sentence is flat though. Yes, we readers are still in Luke’s head but it’s not a particularly interesting space. There’s no tension in our observations from his hiding place.

Here’s how the fixing framework helped me recast in a way that shows readers the hooded man’s assumed frustration, as seen by Luke:
Luke peeked around the headstone. The hooded man glanced at his watch and swore under his breath. His foot lashed out, knocking over a grave vase. The stagnant water stunk and Luke wrinkled his nose.
In the revised version, we see the hooded man’s emotion through his action. That helps with the flatness but also with narrative distance; we stay close to Luke because we experience not only what he sees but also what he smells. It’s more immersive.
EXAMPLE 2
Thom turned and tripped over the blind guy’s white stick – Mikey, someone had called him. He looked at Mikey, who seemed almost to be picking out Thom’s facial features in his mind.
Thom is the viewpoint character so we can’t know what’s going on in Mikey’s head. And that means we can’t just remove the tentative words and change the verb to picked.

But there’s a problem. If Mikey were the viewpoint character, his imagining Thom’s face would make for an interesting narrative. However, it’s Thom’s head we’re in. In this case, the assumption seems off, too big to believe.

When I listen to someone speaking, I tend to use my eyes to focus on their mouths; my friend with restricted vision tends to move his head so that his ears are more in play. Sighted people in his company need to be aware that his eyes don’t focus directly on a speaker even though he’s fully engaged.
​
If we place this experience within the fixing framework, we can imagine Mikey’s physicality and the effect on Thom, the viewpoint character.
Thom turned and tripped over the blind guy’s white stick – Mikey, someone had called him. Mikey tilted his head, gaze off-centre, ear trained on Thom’s blustered apology.
In the revised version, the assumption is gone. Instead, readers are shown what Mikey does and what Thom experiences. Viewpoint is intact, and the clunk has gone.

How to fix an insecure narrative voice
In the examples below, the tentative words have crept in because the authors are still developing the confidence to make every word count.

Useful tools of the trade include deletion, stronger verbs, smoother recasts, and free indirect style. 

The fixes below are suggestions only, offered so you have an idea of what to look out for and how you might tackle the solution. The approach you use will depend on your writing style and the mood of the scene.

When tentative language creates a flat sentence
In these examples, the tentative mood is justified but the sentences are rather flat. We need to inject tension.
Original
Tamsin Johns came to mind. He wondered what her story was.
Free indirect style
Tamsin Johns came to mind. What the hell was her story?
Original
Confused, Ava wondered if he’d thought she was going to rob him.
Recast
Ava shook her head. It was odd, like the guy had thought she was going to rob him.
​Original
​Arty thought the new door seemed not to fit the others in the old house.
Recast
​Arty touched the cherrywood door. It was different to the others, the grain fine and straight, the lacquer smooth under his fingertips.
When tentative language creates a woolly sentence
In these examples, the tentative words relate to viewpoint characters’ experiences. The uncertainty introduces distance because it pulls the reader out of their experience. It makes us say, ‘Why the lack of commitment? Doesn’t the viewpoint character know?’
​
Once more, I’ve used real examples and adapted them to disguise the originals.
​Original
Her body appeared to hum with fear.
Deletion
Her body hummed with fear.
​Original
Eleanor gasped as the craft shot into the air and was gone in what seemed like an instant.
Deletion
Eleanor gasped as the craft shot into the air and was gone in an instant.
Stronger verb
Eleanor gasped as the craft shot into the air and vanished.
​Original
Debs scrolled through her contacts, found his name and hit DELETE. Hilary probably thought she could do better, and Debs agreed.
Deletion
Debs scrolled through her contacts, found his name and hit DELETE. Hilary had said she could do better, and Debs agreed.
When tentative language works
In these examples, the tentative words work. They show the reader that the viewpoint character is guessing.
She glowered as if to say, You really think there’s enough meat on that plate?
Mark glanced at the blue car. There were two people inside, neither familiar. Might be undercover cops, but he legged it anyway … just in case.
Mark glanced at the blue car. There were two people inside, neither familiar. Might be undercover cops, but he legged it anyway … just in case.
​A haze hung in the air – maybe brick dust from the fallen building or ash from the fire. It stung his eyes and irritated his throat.
The news knocked the breath out of her. Jamie had seemed happy the last time they’d met. Ecstatic even, what with the new job, the kayaking holiday, that girl he’d met the week before.
She combed the beach for Ben’s blue sun hat, pushing the unthinkable to the back of her mind. Thought it through. Probably with Mark at the rockpool. The café maybe. Or the groyne or the dunes. Her head spun left, right, left again.

​Summing up

As soon as a writer or editor begins line editing fiction, subjectivity comes into play. It’s rare that there’s a right or a wrong way.
​
With that in mind, don’t ban tentative language in your prose; just watch out for it. It may well have the right to be there, though it shouldn’t trump tension or add clunk. 
If removing it messes with viewpoint, use the fixing framework to craft an alternative shown narrative.
Louise Harnby is a line editor, copyeditor and proofreader who specializes in working with crime, mystery, suspense and thriller writers.

She is an Advanced Professional Member of the Chartered Institute of Editing and Proofreading (CIEP), a member of ACES, a Partner Member of The Alliance of Independent Authors (ALLi), and co-hosts The Editing Podcast.
​
  • Get in touch: Louise Harnby | Fiction Editor & Proofreader
  • Connect: Twitter at @LouiseHarnby, Facebook and LinkedIn
  • Learn: Books and courses
  • Discover: Resources for authors and editors
9 Comments
Felicia Denise link
7/10/2019 02:48:22 pm

Guilty of all the above! 😄 Printing this one out. Thanks, Louise!

Reply
Louise Harnby
24/1/2020 02:44:54 pm

Glad you enjoyed it, Felicia!

Reply
Susanne Leist link
10/10/2019 02:19:18 pm

I bow my head to editors. It's a hard task to fix a manuscript. Since I can't afford an editor, I use ProWriting Aid to point to my mistakes. Grammarly helps with commas. After months of editing my second book, I'm waiting for the ProWriting to accuse me of being passive-aggressive. I'm learning.
Thank you for the helpful article,
Susanne

Reply
Louise Harnby
24/1/2020 02:47:44 pm

You're very welcome, Susanne. It's tough for indie authors on a budget. Learning to self-edit well is a great step forward. So is using complementary tools. Good luck with your book!

Reply
Lindsey Russell
6/11/2019 08:49:55 pm

I've been busy on a little painting and only just spotted this. Excellent article as usual. My first drafts tend to be littered with tentative language but I have a 'list' and hopefully prune/rephrase to eliminate unless they are used deliberately - loved your sentence:
'Yes, we readers are still in Luke’s head but it’s not a particularly interesting space' - particularly 'but it’s not a particularly interesting space'.Maybe (oops) there is a need for an occasional boring character but not the whole cast and making our characters minds interesting must be our aim.

Reply
Louise Harnby
7/11/2019 09:19:09 am

I use tentative language in my non-fic writing all the time, Lindsey! When we do this, (maybe) it's because we don't want to sound preachey.

As with so much in fiction, 'it depends' is my favourite mantra!

Reply
Louise Harnby
7/11/2019 09:20:57 am

Are you painting as in decorating or painting as in creating art? Either way, I hope you're pleased with your brushwork! I have some of my own coming up; a bathroom leak led to ceiling below collapsing. Major repairs on the way!

Reply
Lindsey Russell
7/11/2019 12:47:14 pm

Painting as in a picture - in the 'naive' style :)
How weird - I've a man coming to repair my loo!
And just reached a scene from POV of someone spying on another from a distance, so he is drawing conclusions/impressions on what he sees from her rather strange actions - 1st draft but can't see a way round this one :)

Reply
Louise Harnby
2/1/2020 02:55:59 pm

I think when there's conclusion-drawing going on, tentative language is entirely appropriate, especially given the spying. You'll want the reader to have a sense of the VP character trying to work out what's going on so it's good for mystery and suspense.




Leave a Reply.

    BLOG ALERTS

    If you'd like me to email you when a new blog post is available, sign up for blog alerts!
    Proofreading stamps
    ALERT ME!

    WHAT DO YOU NEED?

    • Training courses
    • ​Books and guides
    • Editor resources
    • Author resources
    • ​Monthly newsletter
    Picture
    SIGN ME UP

    PDF MARKUP

    Proofreading stamps

    AUTHOR RESOURCES

    Proofreading stamps

    EDITOR RESOURCES

    Proofreading stamps

    BOOKS FOR EDITORS AND WRITERS

    Picture
    Picture
    Picture
    Picture
    MORE BOOKS

    TRAINING COURSES FOR EDITORS

    Picture
    Picture
    Picture
    Blogging for Business Growth course
    MORE COURSES

    TESTIMONIALS


    Dare Rogers

    'Louise uses her expertise to hone a story until it's razor sharp, while still allowing the author’s voice to remain dominant.'

    Jeff Carson

    'I wholeheartedly recommend her services ... Just don’t hire her when I need her.'

    J B Turner

    'Sincere thanks for a beautiful and elegant piece of work. First class.'

    Ayshe Gemedzhy

    'What makes her stand out and shine is her ability to immerse herself in your story.'

    Salt Publishing

    'A million thanks – your mark-up is perfect, as always.'
    TESTIMONIALS

    CATEGORIES

    All
    AI
    Around The World
    Audio Books
    Author Chat
    Author Interviews
    Author Platform
    Author Resources
    Blogging
    Book Marketing
    Books
    Branding
    Business Tips
    Choosing An Editor
    Client Talk
    Conscious Language
    Core Editorial Skills
    Crime Writing
    Design And Layout
    Dialogue
    Editing
    Editorial Tips
    Editorial Tools
    Editors On The Blog
    Erotica
    Fiction
    Fiction Editing
    Freelancing
    Free Stuff
    Getting Noticed
    Getting Work
    Grammar Links
    Guest Writers
    Indexing
    Indie Authors
    Lean Writing
    Line Craft
    Link Of The Week
    Macro Chat
    Marketing Tips
    Money Talk
    Mood And Rhythm
    More Macros And Add Ins
    Networking
    Online Courses
    PDF Markup
    Podcasting
    POV
    Proofreading
    Proofreading Marks
    Publishing
    Punctuation
    Q&A With Louise
    Resources
    Roundups
    Self Editing
    Self Publishing Authors
    Sentence Editing
    Showing And Telling
    Software
    Stamps
    Starting Out
    Story Craft
    The Editing Podcast
    Training
    Types Of Editing
    Using Word
    Website Tips
    Work Choices
    Working Onscreen
    Working Smart
    Writer Resources
    Writing
    Writing Tips
    Writing Tools

    ARCHIVES

    May 2025
    April 2025
    March 2025
    February 2025
    January 2025
    November 2024
    October 2024
    September 2024
    August 2024
    July 2024
    June 2024
    May 2024
    April 2024
    March 2024
    October 2023
    August 2023
    July 2023
    June 2023
    May 2023
    April 2023
    March 2023
    January 2023
    December 2022
    November 2022
    October 2022
    September 2022
    August 2022
    July 2022
    June 2022
    May 2022
    April 2022
    March 2022
    February 2022
    January 2022
    December 2021
    November 2021
    October 2021
    September 2021
    August 2021
    July 2021
    June 2021
    May 2021
    April 2021
    March 2021
    February 2021
    January 2021
    December 2020
    November 2020
    October 2020
    September 2020
    August 2020
    July 2020
    June 2020
    May 2020
    April 2020
    March 2020
    February 2020
    January 2020
    December 2019
    November 2019
    October 2019
    September 2019
    August 2019
    July 2019
    June 2019
    May 2019
    April 2019
    March 2019
    February 2019
    January 2019
    December 2018
    November 2018
    October 2018
    September 2018
    August 2018
    July 2018
    June 2018
    May 2018
    April 2018
    March 2018
    February 2018
    January 2018
    December 2017
    November 2017
    October 2017
    September 2017
    August 2017
    July 2017
    June 2017
    May 2017
    April 2017
    March 2017
    February 2017
    January 2017
    December 2016
    November 2016
    October 2016
    September 2016
    June 2016
    May 2016
    April 2016
    March 2016
    February 2016
    January 2016
    December 2015
    November 2015
    October 2015
    September 2015
    July 2015
    June 2015
    May 2015
    March 2015
    February 2015
    January 2015
    November 2014
    October 2014
    September 2014
    August 2014
    July 2014
    June 2014
    March 2014
    January 2014
    November 2013
    October 2013
    September 2013
    August 2013
    June 2013
    February 2013
    January 2013
    November 2012
    October 2012
    September 2012
    August 2012
    July 2012
    June 2012
    May 2012
    April 2012
    March 2012
    February 2012
    January 2012
    December 2011

    RSS Feed

Alliance of Independent Authors
Picture
Picture
CIEP Advanced Professional Member
The Publishing Training Centre
INFO ABOUT ME
About Louise
Bio page and business profile
Contact form
Louise's fiction
​Portfolio 
Privacy policy
Professional Practice Code
Qualifications
Terms and conditions
INFO FOR INDIE AUTHORS
​Why choose Louise?
Editorial services
Books and guides
Contact form
​Free resources
​Order form for books
Self-editing book
Testimonials
Transform Your Fiction series

Want to sign up to my monthly newsletter, The Editorial Letter? 
INFO FOR EDITORS
​1:1 business consultations
Books and guides
​​Business Skills for Editors series
Free resources
Order books and courses
​The Editing Podcast
​The Editing Blog
Training courses
Transform Your Fiction series
Gift vouchers for editors and proofreaders
© 2011–2025 Louise Harnby
  • Home
  • Resource library
  • Services
  • Courses
  • Books
  • Podcast
  • Blog
  • Training login
  • Contact