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This post explores how to use embedded dialogue snippets and what effect they have on tone, character and flow.
In this post
Read on to find out more about:
Capturing speech memory
Dialogue doesn’t only happen in real time. Sometimes a character recalls what was said or what they half-heard, or they mentally echo something that was stated in the past. This is speech memory.
Done well, capturing those moments on the page enhances the reader’s experience. It can affect the mood and flow, and subtly shine a narrative light on one particular character, while still revealing how others interacted verbally with them.
What is embedded dialogue?
Embedded dialogue is reported speech or remembered lines that are woven into the narrative. The quotation marks and dialogue tags that we’d expect to see in active, real-time dialogue are omitted. Here's an example that compares the two approaches:
Active dialogue plus narrative: Dialogue embedded in the narrative:
While the reader gets the same information, the mood is different. The active-dialogue version feels punchier, more immediate. The embedded-dialogue version feels more contemplative.
When to use embedded dialogue
1. To reflect a character’s processing of a memory of speech
A remembered line can reveal emotion or motive without cutting to a flashback or breaking the scene. Here are a couple of embedded-dialogue examples: She'd said he was born angry. Maybe she was right. Johnny had specifically told me not to open the bag. So why had I just done the complete opposite?
Active-dialogue versions might look like this:
“You were born angry.” That’s what she’d said. Maybe she was right. “Don’t open the bag,” Johnny had said. So why had I just done the complete opposite?
Again, neither of these versions – the embedded or active dialogue – are right or wrong. But they do convey a different mood, and the prose flows differently. The active dialogue versions are blunter, terser and highlight different voices. The embedded dialogue is smoother and less tense, and highlights one voice.
2. To keep the focus on the viewpoint character and their present tension Recalling memories of the spoken words can add weight to prose without shifting the spotlight away from the viewpoint character's perspective in the now. Here are two embedded-dialogue examples: The judge had warned him: one more slip, and that was it. This, it seemed, was the slip. He’d told himself not to look back. That the future was what counted. A fresh start.
Active-dialogue versions might look like this:
The judge had warned him: “One more slip, and that’s it.” This, it seemed, was the slip. “Don’t look back,” he’d said to himself. “It’s the future that counts. A fresh start.”
I think the embedded dialogue feels much more grounded in the characters’ immediate conundrums. It's their voice that shines through. The active dialogue, however, even with the pluperfect (past-perfect) speech tags, pulls the reader out of the present and shines a light on other characters' speech.
3. To avoid disruption Long dialogue flashbacks can derail pacing. Embedded snippets allow you to fold the past into present seamlessly. Again, here are two embedded-dialogue examples: He remembered what the old man used to say about control – it’s only real when you don’t have it … just fear in disguise that he shouldn't obsess over. That gumshoe detective had asked him about Denise’s whereabouts that night, what they’d talked about , what they’d eaten for dinner. Jack hadn’t paid much attention at the time – he’d no reason to doubt her. Still, thinking about it now, it was a little weird.
Now let’s turn that into active dialogue:
The old man used to say, “Control is only real when you don’t have it. It’s just fear in disguise. Try not to get obsessed with it.” That gumshoe detective had fired questions at him: “Where was Denise that night? Can you recall what you talked about or what you ate for dinner?” Jack hadn’t paid much attention at the time – he’d no reason to doubt her. Still, thinking about it now, it was a little weird.
I think the active-dialogue versions are disruptive because the recalled speech is so lengthy and flips the focus onto the past speakers.
However, in the embedded-dialogue versions, the flow of the narrative captures the past speech but maintains the smooth flow of the prose and keeps the reader’s gaze firmly on the current viewpoint characters. 4. To add variety to how 'remembered' dialogue is displayed Using a mixture of embedded and active dialogue can add variety to how remembered speech is displayed, making it more interesting for the reader. Here's an example that includes both: The last thing I wanted was to aggravate those two goons who'd trashed my apartment the previous week. Next time, they'd informed me, it wouldn't just be the dining table that got broken. It would be my legs. And my arms. "In fact, if it's attached to you and we can snap it, we will,” the beefier of the two had advised me.
Here, the two styles work with each other to capture multiple speaker voices, but in a way that still ensures the first-person narrator's immediate experience remains dominant.
When active dialogue works
Active dialogue is brilliant in the following circumstances:
The difference between embedded dialogue and free indirect speech
Both free indirect speech and embedded dialogue are narrative techniques used to represent characters’ thoughts or speech, but they differ in structure and how much the narrator mediates the character's voice.
Here are two examples: Example 1. Free indirect speech:
Notice how this feels more subjective. The psychic distance between the reader and the character is very close.
Free indirect speech is all about the viewpoint character and focuses on conveying what’s going on in their head now. Example 2. Embedded dialogue:
Notice how this feels a little more objective and told because of the expository filter word ‘wondering’ and ‘speech-memory indicator ‘said he’d’. The psychic distance is a little wider in this case, as if the prose is being told by the narrator.
Embedded dialogue is all about the viewpoint character’s recollection; it holds the essence of memory … that something specific was actually said in the past. Neither is right or wrong. Instead, free indirect speech and embedded dialogue serve different purposes, and so one might work better than the other depending on what the author’s trying to achieve.
Summing up
Embedded dialogue snippets let you carry the weight of past speech without quoting every line. Use them to deepen character, maintain narrative flow and give your prose a more intimate texture.
When done well, embedded dialogue allows the past to echo through to the present, shaping motive and mood without slowing the action. It’s not just about what was said, but how your viewpoint character remembers it.
Other resources you might like
About Louise
Louise Harnby is a line editor, copyeditor and proofreader who specializes in working with crime, mystery, suspense and thriller writers.
She is an Advanced Professional Member of the Chartered Institute of Editing and Proofreading (CIEP) and co-hosts The Editing Podcast.
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Learn about editorial foundations, growth, sustainability, legacy and marketing with this 5-book series.
Fancy reading some of the core takeaways from The Editing Podcast? Notes from the Podcast is a brand-new book series that focuses on five core areas of editorial business development.
What’s in the series?
Currently there are five books in the Notes from the Podcast series, all focusing on what Denise and I like gassing about the most – running, growing, sustaining and marketing an editing and proofreading business.
Is the content identical to The Editing Podcast?
So, yes, it’s still our podcast content, but it’s been repurposed and reworked so that it’s book-fit.
How long did it take to create the books?
The answer to how long it took depends on your starting point.
We didn’t write the books from scratch – creating them required having the podcast scripts in the first place. And since we broadcast our first episode in 2019, so you could say the journey started then.
We’ve spent the past three years doing the following to bring these books to life:
Did you use AI?
The biggest challenge we faced in making this project viable was untangling well over 100,000 scripted words spread across 145 separate episodes broadcast in no particular order.
Some of that scripted content was irrelevant because it:
Even the content that was relevant wasn’t located only in episodes whose titles made it obvious. It was all over the place! Plus, it was scripted in a way that suited voices rather than books.
Unless we got help.
We talked over the options and wondered if AI might come to the rescue. We decided to give it the task of:
That was a learning curve because it took a while to work out how give it the right prompts to ensure it gave us exactly what we wanted. However, it was time well spent because we got there in the end! So, yes, we did use AI – to analyse our own content and extract the chunks of it that we wanted. From then on, it was up to us to do what we do best …
What Louise and Denise did
With that done, we turned to:
And finally, we published!
Why bother publishing when people can listen?
Denise and I have always been massive advocates for repurposing valuable content because it respects the fact that people like to get their information in different ways.
Some like to listen. Some like to watch. And some like to read.
How to buy the books
All five books are available in print via Amazon.
Still want to listen? Head over to The Editing Podcast!
About Louise
Louise Harnby is a line editor, copyeditor and proofreader who specializes in working with crime, mystery, suspense and thriller writers.
She is an Advanced Professional Member of the Chartered Institute of Editing and Proofreading (CIEP) and co-hosts The Editing Podcast.
This post explores how oversimplifications of human motivation as ‘good’ versus ‘evil’ can damage crime fiction, mysteries and thrillers.
In this post
Read on to find out more about:
The trouble with clear-cut morality
In real life, morality is murky. Few people do harm ‘just because’. People do bad things for complex reasons, and those in investigative roles – and apparently on the side of justice – don’t always behave impeccably.
Compelling contemporary crime fiction tends to avoid rigid binaries that present ‘good’ and ‘bad’ characters, where the villain is evil because they commit a crime, and the sleuth is good because they solve it. Going down that route can weaken character development, limit emotional relatability and misrepresent how justice manifests in a way that’s plausible. How to turn flat caricatures into relatable characters
In a binary model, the villain is ‘monsterized’ as inherently bad – the evil psychopath or lowlife. The focus is more on the nastiness they’ve done.
Meanwhile, the investigator is ‘heroized’ as inherently good – the wonderful restorer of order. The focus is on how they’ve saved the day. However, when you provide a deeper understanding of the reasons why a criminal acted as they did, and when you make space for a sleuth’s flaws, doubts and moral ambiguity, readers are able to access more plausible and fully rounded characters with human backstories and worldviews, however flawed.
Prompt for writers and editors Exploring justice that reflects reality
Ditching binary models of ‘good’ and ‘bad’ allows you to explore crime and justice in a way that engages readers who’ve experienced systemic injustice in real life, as well as those whose privilege means they haven’t.
For example, a criminal’s actions might stem from something far more alarming than pure greed. It could be grounded in, or driven by, their experience of poverty, fear, abuse, racial- or class-based oppression. Taking this approach asks readers to consider where biases in the system are, who the establishment serves, and whether equal opportunity really stands up under the microscope.
Prompt for writers and editors Building tension through real-world themes
Avoiding traditional ‘good’ and ‘bad’ binaries encourages space for exploring themes that cement tension throughout the novel, and speak to readers living in the world as it is now … or the one it might be in the not-too-distant future.
Through those themes, you might explore societies’ values, and what constitutes criminal behaviour in terms of your own and your readers’ values. Are there are circumstances where bad deeds might be justified for the greater good? For example, could the perpetrator and the investigator both be grappling with thorny concepts that make who’s ‘right’ and who’s ‘wrong’ ambiguous?
Prompt for writers and editors Summing up
Crime fiction and thrillers can reveal uncomfortable truths about people and systems. By embracing ambiguity, you can craft more emotionally resonant and morally engaging stories.
To keep your characters interesting and out of binary waters, ask yourself whether the most compelling villain might be one who almost persuades us, and whether the most unforgettable hero might be one who almost breaks our trust. Other resources you might like
About Louise
Louise Harnby is a line editor, copyeditor and proofreader who specializes in working with crime, mystery, suspense and thriller writers.
She is an Advanced Professional Member of the Chartered Institute of Editing and Proofreading (CIEP) and co-hosts The Editing Podcast.
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